"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain-and most fools do. But it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving." How many times have we criticized someone even for something they can't control, what does that say about us? Everyone has their flaws but when we judge someone that means we are only noticing their flaws in us and feeling a sense of insecurity about it. Something I learn was instead of to criticize, maybe next time I can look at how the person did something right, or how to help the person do the right thing next time, and help them improve instead of put them down and belittle them. It's so easy to put someone down, because it makes us feel better about our selves and often it's the easy way to do things. I mean if we don't put people down then we ourselves must have to work on improving ourselves as well and have the chance of making mistakes, which can involve pride and ego getting in the way. Maybe next time I want to criticize, I can shift my focus on look at what I can learn from this person?
This lesson is valuable to me because most of us are taught to just yell at someone to get our way instead of stating the good someone did and encouraging them to do better. I like to think of it like this, if some random person walks up to you and tells you "you aren't a good writer" chances are you might get mad for a second but after a minute you'll just be like "whatever" toward it because they don't even know you, and move on with your day. But on the flipside if a family member or friend says the same thing we can take it personally because they know us on a personal level. Now if your family or friends think its bad instead of criticizing they can reframe and talk about how much better you were at writing than you were a month ago and how fast your writing is getting better and better.
"One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse. Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and approval." Before we move on to Lesson 2 remember to always look for the good someone did!
Lesson 2 - People love talking about themselves.
"You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." This is something I wished I would've learned a long time ago. It still affects me today, even though I work on it, it is a very hard habit to break out of. From my experience I love talking about what I wanna do instead of hearing as much of what others want to do. Even as the other person is talking at times I will notice I am thinking in my head what I am going to talk about next instead of how to respond to what they are gonna say and ask empowering questions about their topic to go more in depth. Talking about the other persons topic makes them feel more important and will show your genuine interest in them.
Lesson 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
I have always struggled with remembering someones name even a minute after they say it I can have some trouble remembering what they said it was. In the book Carnegie states a technique used by Napoleon the third emperor of France and nephew of the great Napoleon The technique? If he didn't hear the name distinctly, he would say, "so sorry I didn't get the name clearly." If the name was an unusual or unfamiliar name her would ask for the person to spell it for him. At least for me this is important be many times I didn't quite get the name the person told me but I was too afraid to as them to repeat it and just kind of would guess a name. This is one many people I know have trouble with and I feel my story easily connected with you guys.
Lesson 4 - Don't fight fire with fire.
the Buddha said "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love." There have been many times I have flipped out because someone got mad at me, So what is the first thing I do. That's right, I get mad right back and start rage on both sides. Not looking at what they want and what I want, and how to achieve peace for both sides, but instead only looking at what I want. Showing hate towards hate (fire with fire) usually never works, usually we fight back because we don't want our ego hurt, but what is that worth, if all trying to win does makes our ego smaller?
Going hand in hand with the ego is not telling people they are wrong. Telling someone they are wrong only hurts them and will create tension. Is red better than blue, are the Beatles better than the Rolling Stones? If someone doesn't agree with you this doesn't mean they are wrong, even your biggest enemy could be right and have something to agree on that is the right thing. In the book it is pointed out that Jesus said "Agree with thine adversary quickly" Agreeing with an enemy on a certain point can bring comfort to their side and make them more likely to agree with your side as well.
Closing thoughts.
Note that to me these are the most valuable lessons in the book, and what I see helping me the most. If you want to purchase the book I highly recommend it, and will be one of the most important books you read, especially if you are and introvert like me. I will have a link to amazon in my recommended resources page, if you would like to buy the book and support me that would be a real thanks. I hope these lessons helped you and gave you a good guide and sense into some of the book.
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